on being a woman (and some ideas that I struggle with)

I had a conversation with one of my favorite professors. We were talking about plans after graduation. She advised. I listened. 

She is an incredible woman. Brilliant, funny, truly interested in her students. 

I adore her. And I want to be her when I grow up.

We got to the subject of women in the workplace, in society, and in church. I knew that she was a fellow church-goer so I was intrigued to hear her experience being a workingwoman and having an active religious life. We agreed that the church, in general, doesn't like to see women out of the home and what does that mean for those of us who don't think our rightful place is in the home?

Certainly the home is one of our places, just as it is one place that a man should maintain. But, our only place? I'm not sure I buy that.

My professor argued that women should just give women slack. No job is easy, she said. We have choices - the great American ideal. 

A woman can choose to stay home; that's not easy. 

A woman can choose to not have children; that's not easy. 

A woman can choose to have children and have a career; that's not easy. 

We wondered why women seem so hell bent on proving that the path they chose was the correct one. The better choice. All other choices will be judged (something I am guilty of). 

But then, and this is why I love history, she brings in the historical aspect of what child-rearing and family raising is supposed to look like. Somewhat refuting the very western idea of a "woman's sphere:" the home. 

She said (and I'm paraphrasing because I so wish I had a recorder going): 

You know, it's the privatization, the private nature, of our society. It's what our American culture is so proud of. The family unit was never meant to be secluded behind four walls with a fence barrier surrounding the yard. My children were both in daycare by two different women - one of whom quit childcare to become a nun so I always like to say that my son got more spiritual influence from her than he ever would have from me - and both these women came into my life so easily. I looked for them and there they were. We could use the word providential if we were so inclined. These women became very dear friends of mine. It took all of us to raise my children. And not just them. You know, when my kids graduated high school and we made a list of every to invite to the party, it brought a tear to my eye just thinking of all the people who helped raise them. Their teachers, their piano teachers, the neighbor who gave him a job mowing grass, sunday school teachers, and the list went on. I couldn't have done it by myself and I wasn't meant to. I feel for those women who think it is all their responsibility. Who feel that asking their husbands to help is somehow a sign that they are doing it wrong. That the responsibility is only theirs. 

She and I have had conversations before about how the modern idea of family roles is just that: modern. Because, prior to the industrial revolution families worked together to maintain an agrarian lifestyle. Husband and wife worked side by side. Children were given jobs as soon as they could walk. The family was in constant connection. 

So when I hear people argue that God's plan for women is in the home I think, fine but if that's the case then his plan for men is in the home, too. Actually, it's on the farm. Work it. Work that land.

For thousands of years humans lived in a predominantly agrarian society. One that required that all members of the family and community to contribute. It wasn't until the late 18th and early 19th century that we even see the idea of all women being in the home and men going out (somewhere, elsewhere, anywhere) and working for a wage. AND we see the seclusion of the family into a solitary unit that forces the burden of child raising solely on the woman. (AND THEN in the mid twentieth century we see a huge increase in women, in the home, who struggle with depression, alcoholism, and drug addiction)

This was long. I'm still thinking a lot about this topic: being a christian woman AND feeling that God gave me desires and talents that should be practiced and utilized AND that maybe that means I won't be in the home full-time AND maybe God's okay with that. 

Your thoughts are appreciated. 

revelation

"So, I think I'm a feminist," I said as we pulled into the parking lot of Mellow Mushroom. As good a place as any to come to such a heady realization.

"Well, yeah," Dan replied knowingly. 

Apparently he's known all along. Since we first met he's known. I'm not sure how that's possible since those words have never passed through my lips in my entire life. 

I suppose for most people this might seem like a trivial revelation, but for me it's kinda big. I've spent my whole life believing that to be a feminist is almost synonymous with being a satan worshipper (except, instead of sacrificing babies, feminists sacrifice their bras). 

I'm not really sure what it changes - my beliefs are the same; I've just assigned them a label that I had been resistant to my entire existence. 

I'm sure that Mark Driscoll and Pat Robertson would have me condemned to hell for simply uttering those damning words, but here I am. The lightning did not strike me down, and I still love Jesus.

I'm curious, do you have thoughts on being both a feminist and a Christian?

Big Love

I have a few tv shows that I like to watch: Mad Men, Breaking Bad, The Walking Dead, Dexter, and Big Love. Dan and I have this unspoken agreement that we watch each others shows. So, I watch episodes of Star Trek Next Gen and Stargate Atlantis, and he watches Big Love with me (we had been watching Glee but then Dan started pointing out that none of the characters have any redeeming qualities and I ended up not liking it anymore, ha!). Dan actually likes Big Love, his biggest issue with it is all the Bill Pullman butt, which, I believe after the first season, dies down a bit. 

I have quite a few mormon friends and I know that polygamy is not practiced, encouraged or condoned by the mainstream Latter Day Saints (LDS) church. In every religion there seems to be extremists or fundamentalists, and polygamists are like the cousin nobody likes talking about because it just makes everyone upset. There are a number of reasons why polygamy is outlawed in the United States (and let's be honest it's polygyny -- "many wives," how many cases have you seen where multiple men cater to and serve a female "head of household?"), the major reason this lifestyle is outlawed is that it preys on little girls and young women. There have been cases of trafficking female minors into other states so that grown, adult men can marry them -- some of these men are 40+ years older! 

Back to my point, I like Big Love. It's interesting, funny, and the character development is awesome. I also know that it is fiction, it's not real. Bill Pullman is not a polygamist. But there is this new reality show, maybe you've heard of it: Sister Wives. I haven't seen more than a few clips but when I heard about it my first question was, "How are they doing this?" Are there not laws? How are they not getting in trouble? This guy, Kody Brown, is married to four adult women who apparently chose this lifestyle so I guess as far as government priorities go, he is low on the list. But then I started to do some research on fundamentalists and polygamy and I stumbled upon an article with a polygamist woman who starred in an independent film called Sister Wife. When she spoke about the polygamist lifestyle she referred to "the law of Sarah." Having grown up in the church I was pretty sure she was talking about Sarah of Abraham and Sarah. Further research showed that among other ideas, the law of Sarah is considered positive teaching for the ordinance of plural marriage in this fundamentalist culture. But, like so many religious assertions, this example of Abraham and Sarah is taken out of context and cropped short  in order to justify polygyny. 

Here is the basic story: God promised Abraham (Abram) that a great nation would come from him (essentially that his offspring would be numerous, as numerous as the stars). Abraham meets and marries Sarah (Sarai) and they are unable to conceive. Sarah gets antsy because, let's face it, women were regarded for bearing children, especially sons, which she had thus far been unable to do. She has this slave girl, Hagar, and tells Abraham to sleep with her so that Sarah could have a child through her, basically the original surrogate mom. It says in the bible that Abraham took Hagar as his wife, they slept together, she conceived, and bore a son, Ishmael. ONE CHAPTER LATER God tells Abraham that Ishmael is not the son of promise, the son of promise will come through Sarah. Essentially, all of that stuff with Hagar: unnecessary -- you took the issue into your own hands and you were wrong. Sarah, in her old age, eventually becomes pregnant and Isaac is the son of promise, from whom a great nation will arise. After Isaac is born, Sarah wants Hagar and Ishmael sent away, which makes Abraham sad but God condoned it -- so off they went. 

But the fundamental polygamists don't talk about the fact that Hagar and Ishmael were outcast. They don't talk about the fact that Sarah and Hagar had some huge jealousy issues. According to them, Sarah gave Hagar to Abraham and that proves that the bible says polygamy is alright. If you are still with me, this entry probably seems random. But to be honest, I've been thinking about this subject for the past week. It's one of many ways that the bible is taken out of context and used to treat women poorly. This isn't just the problem of fundamental mormonism. I have seen it in my own Christian religion: women are not as valuable, equal, or capable as men. In fundamental Islam women have no rights, they are property. Historically religion has been used as a force to invalidate women -- to strip them of their worth. That is not the God that I know, believe in, and serve. Women have value, women are able, and women are important -- and not just for having babies and cleaning a house. You may think, "Rachel, the feminist movement already happened, women are equal to men." And while there is some truth to that statement I think that women still struggle with their value in and out of the church. It's an ongoing thought process for me and my ideas and opinions will evolve as I grow, but what I do know is that women have inherent value and that value should be protected.